"I'm still not sure what else I was supposed to think, at the time," says Bella. "But then you went and apologized, so obviously it wasn't as bad as I had been imagining."
He looks up at her again, maybe a little wary, maybe a little sad.
"Truth is, you had one thing right," he says. "I didn't notice there was anything going on with Ax when I mouthed off and bolted. But it's not that there's some big thing where I don't care. I was just too deep in my own shit to figure out there was anything to see. I got it quick enough when you told me."
"I got scared," he says. "I got scared and ran away, and I wasn't really thinking about anything, I was just being scared. So that's all I really got out of it, is that I was scared and I got away and calmed down and then everything was fine. I mean, I remembered what we said and all, but that was just - surface, and I didn't like thinking about it much because nothing good ever comes of dwelling on shit that scares me. And I'm not saying I thought any of this through, exactly, I was just kind of... running on feelings. I do that."
He sighs.
"And then you told me about how Ax was feeling, and - well, it seemed really obvious then. But it never even crossed my mind before. I couldn't have pulled it out of thin air any more than I could pick the winning lottery number before they draw it. Maybe I would've rolled around to it in a few days, I don't know, but when you talked to me I was still pretty much in the scared place about the whole thing. I just don't, you know, usually get so anybody can tell I'm scared."
"Yeah," he says. "And maybe it'll be that I don't care, I don't guarantee I'm gonna care about every single thing you think I should for the rest of forever, but maybe it'll be that I was too busy being wrecked about something to notice."
"I know. That's kind of a thing with me. When I'm scared and living in my head like that, I'm not gonna let anybody know until I've got through it a little. Because it feels safer that way, you know?"
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"Truth is, you had one thing right," he says. "I didn't notice there was anything going on with Ax when I mouthed off and bolted. But it's not that there's some big thing where I don't care. I was just too deep in my own shit to figure out there was anything to see. I got it quick enough when you told me."
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"I got scared," he says. "I got scared and ran away, and I wasn't really thinking about anything, I was just being scared. So that's all I really got out of it, is that I was scared and I got away and calmed down and then everything was fine. I mean, I remembered what we said and all, but that was just - surface, and I didn't like thinking about it much because nothing good ever comes of dwelling on shit that scares me. And I'm not saying I thought any of this through, exactly, I was just kind of... running on feelings. I do that."
He sighs.
"And then you told me about how Ax was feeling, and - well, it seemed really obvious then. But it never even crossed my mind before. I couldn't have pulled it out of thin air any more than I could pick the winning lottery number before they draw it. Maybe I would've rolled around to it in a few days, I don't know, but when you talked to me I was still pretty much in the scared place about the whole thing. I just don't, you know, usually get so anybody can tell I'm scared."
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"Are you still? Wrecked?"
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